My in-laws were mean to me

Dear Tita,

When I married Joel, his parents were against our marriage as they wanted another woman for his wife. They looked so displeased during our wedding that even my parents and other guests could sense their resentment at our marriage.

But Joel and I were so much in love that we were so happy just being together. When I had children, they showed their preference for the children of Joel’s sisters by showering them with expensive gifts and frequent visits. I was often deeply hurt by their constant complaints about how I managed my home and my kids. My mother-in-law kept comparing me to her daughters and the daughters of her rich “amigas” (friends).

They called my husband Joel “under-the-saya (henpecked)" because ours is an equal partnership, and he shares in the child-rearing, cooking, cleaning and shopping. My mother-in-law would often complain about my gifts to her, saying, “I never cared for that scent of perfume", or "This dress has no class”. Despite all their put-downs, Joel has always supported me and our marriage, saying we are very happy and so much in love.

It is because of this that I could bear my in-laws’ cruelty.

Now, after almost 20 years of putting up with their meanness and hurting remarks, my elderly in-laws expect me to take care of them as they are now in their 80s and are both infirm. Joel is such a good son that he feels obligated to assist his parents. I don’t feel the same. I ask you – am I a bad person for secretly resenting their awful treatment of me all these years?

STILL HURTING

Dear Still Hurting,

You are not a bad person, you are just human and your feelings are more than justified.

Your in-laws are so self-centered they do not consider how their words and actions affect other people. However, hidden resentments shouldn’t be allowed to fester as it can also do you more damage.

Should you help them? That is your choice but under no circumstances should you be expected to tolerate any more abuse. Since Joel feels obligated to help his parents and he has been a loving husband and father all these years, I think it would be good for your marriage if you show him that you can care for his ailing parents. You can do this even if you hire a caregiver to take care of them.

To show them kindness would open their eyes to why Joel loves you so and would make them feel ashamed for the way they treated you in the past.

TITA

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