Is it proper to visit him?

Dear Tita,

Ten years ago, I had a brief affair with Tony, my co-worker. He was going through a difficult time with his wife, Sabel, and was very depressed. I felt sorry for him and we got to talking about our problems often. Our frequent conversations were a big help to both of us, until one day, we realized that we had feelings for each other.

Tony told me that I was the closest person in his life as he could tell me anything. We were completely happy in our secret love. It wasn’t long before I was told by a co-worker that people were talking about us. When I told Tony, he panicked and we decided to cut off our brief affair for the sake of his kids.

I went abroad to work for a few years. I was courted by nice men there, but I couldn’t get Tony out of my mind. Recently, I came home to visit my parents. I learned that Tony is in the hospital and that he is dying. I felt so sorry for him. I know that if I went to visit him, he would be delighted to see me. Even though I haven't seen him in years, it would bring back happy memories for him.

Neither his wife nor his children know that I exist. But after much soul-searching, I have decided that I won't go. I came to the conclusion that a visit would be disruptive and cause the family pain and suffering, as well as ruining their memories of a wonderful man. But, as I pondered this question, I wondered how many wives might accept such a visit, knowing that it would provide some solace to a man whom they both love.

ONE TIME LOVER

Dear One Time Lover,

I don’t think that any wife would be willing to let her husband’s ex-lover visit him. A wife who would allow this would have to be extraordinary!

Even today, extramarital relationships are frowned upon, and wives of dying husbands are not likely to appreciate a visit from a secret "admirer." Better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Let Tony die in peace with his family.

TITA